Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Navigating the Holidays Again

I know many good people who are not looking forward to the holiday season. In fact, at this point, I may know more people dreading it than people looking forward to it. To them, this is a season to navigate, to get through with fewer problems than last year. They are making specific plans aimed at avoiding encounters they know will come.

Here's just one example. A couple I know who lost their only child to suicide a few years ago has decided to limit the amount of time they spend at family gatherings. It's not that they don't love their family. It's that their family will not understand what my friends would really value. The last two Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings passed with no one saying a word about their child, with no one wanting to remember anything or to allow my friends to really talk about how they are doing. Instead, there was this ongoing focus on sports teams. Perhaps the worst experience for them was passing time with family who expected them to forget their daughter. This year, they have placed a timer on their visit.

I admit that for me, the holidays are an extension of a season of pain that begins in early October, when we remember the day our son took his life. The rest of October has various triggers, and then there's the November Suicide Prevention Walk, which takes us to the edge of Thanksgiving and the rest of it, all downhill from here. I have one blessing going into all of this, however. I know my family will allow for whatever feels right to us--to talk about Michael if we need to, or not to. But there will be no toxic pushes to avoid certain topics, to instead spend all our time talking about sports teams. 

No Super Powers Needed
I should counter right here, of course, that no one I know intends to be mean for the holidays. No one wants to make anyone else more sad than they already are at this time of year. What actually happens has more to do with not understanding than anything done intentionally. 

The Survivors of Suicide group (SOS) I attend every other Monday recognizes that most of the world has not faced what we have, and instead of trying to change public awareness, they simply try to equip survivors. The first year after we lost Michael, I attended the group and received a list of things that addressed both things to do and ways to think about the season now that things had changed so radically. I admit that the first time around, I couldn't see how any of the suggestions would help me with what I was feeling. I was in shock, and it was hard to do any planning or think ahead. 

This past Monday, two years later, our group met because our facilitator wanted specifically to talk about what we were thinking and feeling about Thanksgiving. Each of us was able to talk about what we were doing (we are going to our daughters' for dinner--this was taken by the group as a potentially new tradition), what we were not looking forward to, and how we were going to plan things. This meeting helped a great deal. We could not have these conversations anywhere else in our routines. 

For those who are not grieving, please understand that you don't need to do anything special for a grieving friend or relative. You don't have to be a counselor or have the super powers of one. It is really very simple. First, it is true that you are powerless. We all are. You can do nothing to take away your friend or loved one's suffering. Don't try to, and also, don't try the opposite; don't ignore it and not allow it into the conversation. Just accept that you can do or say nothing to ease the pain, unless you are willing to let your friend talk. If you are willing, then there are things you can do or say to your friend, but mostly it is just good to listen. You can say you remember things about their lost loved one. Even better, you can allow them to talk without trying to massage or shape their feelings or words into some sentiment that seems more acceptable to the larger, more orthodox world. 

Being available to listen sends the message that you care and are available in relationship. It's very meaningful and helpful. One of the most painful things I hear survivors say is that their friends have all gone on to other things and they are mostly alone. 

Etymology Meets Ethics
The word I hear a great deal over the holidays is the word "compassion." God had compassion on Israel, on all people of low esteem. Like all words of Latin or Greek origin, this word sometimes passes without clear meaning. And yet, this is one of the easy etymologies to do, and I don't know why I didn't see this more clearly a long time ago. Quite simply, to have compassion means to "suffer with." Well, literally, it means "with suffer": Com=with. Passion=suffer. 

The claim is that this is what God did in the incarnation. God became man and suffered as we do. Jesus was referred to as a man familiar with suffering. 

I find it a contradiction in these political times that churches named after this suffering servant are not doing more of the same. Instead we are politically involved, aiming our attempts at championing a few of our values and gaining power. 

This holiday season, though, we may have greater influence if we let go of that need for power and instead make the attempt to "suffer with" those in this season who, if you would ask them, you would discover that they don't really want to be here. 

To have compassion can seem to be to act high and mighty or give money. It's actually the lowest you can go. And for some of my friends, it's a great and mighty thing you can do. 

Seasons greetings. 

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